A Modified Tale From Dennis Djou

By: James Taylor

There was this dude that weighed 5,000 pounds, and everyday he would eat four or five whole cows or horses, and these weren't small ones either.

One day, he noticed that he was starting to lose weight. At first, he thought nothing of this, but after a month he had lost 4,000 pounds. Realizing that there was something wrong with him, he decided to go see the doctor.

The next day the dude went to the doctor and explained what was happening to him. The doctor proceeded to check the dude's pulse, blood pressure, pupil response, and anything else he could think of. After this, he went over to his shelves full of thousands of books. Finally, after a quick search through the books, the doctor picked out a book and started reading.

The doctor then placed the book back on the shelf, and then returned scratching his chin in contemplation.

"Well?" inquired the dude.

"Hummmm," the doctor thought for a minute. "What I want you to do is come back tomorrow with an orange and lemon cookie."

Puzzled, the dude nodded in agreement, and then scheduled an appointment for the next day. That night he went out to the grocery store and found the largest and freshest orange and a lemon cookie. As he left the grocery, he took with him an orange the size of his head, and a lemon cookie just as big.

The next day he brought the orange and lemon cookie in to the doctor. Sitting on the examining table, he frowned while trying to figure out what the doctor was going to do with an orange and lemon cookie.

Out of the corner of the dude's eye he could see the doctor carefully putting on his rubber gloves. He became even more curious about what the doctor was doing, when he started testing the weight of the orange in his hand as approached the examining table.

"So, what's the orange and the lemon cookie for?" asked the dude.

"Ohhhhh, don't worry about it," commented the doctor. "Oh! Look over there! It's a skunk!" the doctor exclaimed as he pointed in to a corner of his office.

Looking for the skunk in the corner of the room caused the dude to forget about the orange that the doctor had in his hand. He was deftly reminded that the orange was present as he felt it sharply shoved up his nose.

Screaming and yelling, he demanded to know why he shoved an orange up his nose. For a long time, he blew his nose with all of his might, trying to get the orange back out, but to no avail.

Trying to calm the dude down, the doctor just simply told him, "Trust me".

A little bit calmer now, the dude then inquired about where the skunk was, considering he missed it the first time.

Looking around, the doctor then pointed behind his chair, and shouted, "There!"

Once again, the dude followed the direction that the doctor pointed. Once again he felt a sharp thrust as something went up his nose. On the ground in front of the table were a few lemon crumbs, the only remaining trace to the huge cookie that he had brought the doctor.

Screaming and yelling, he demanded to know what was going on, and where the skunk was. All this time trying to blow the orange and the lemon cookie out of his nose.

The doctor calmly replied that he just made up the skunk, and that he should trust him.

Wandering out of the doctor's office, he found himself signed up for another appointment on the next day. Once again he was told to bring in an orange and a lemon cookie. To ease his doubts, the doctor looked at him, and said to trust him.

For the next month, the dude came in every day with a large orange and a lemon cookie. The doctor would put his rubber gloves on, and up the orange would go, followed by the lemon cookie. By the end of the month the dude was used to having oranges and lemon cookies shoved up his nose. Unfortunately, the dude was still losing weight, even though he was eating even more than before.

Concerned about this, he asked the doctor why he was still losing weight.

Scratching his head and frowning, the doctor thought for a moment. Quietly, yet sternly, he ordered the dude to bring in an orange and a baseball bat.

Completely shocked by this response, he was steadfast in his refusal to bring in a baseball bat. After all, he knew what would happen with the baseball bat.

Calming the dude down, the doctor finally got the dude to trust him.

The next day, the dude came in with the bat and an orange. Hesitantly he gave the orange to the doctor. He found it harder to give him the bat.

As always the doctor carefully put on the gloves and then tested the weight of the giant orange.

"Okay, doctor," the dude said as he held on to the edge of the table for his life. He knew what was coming.

Just as always, the orange went up the dude's nose. He closed his eyes -- trying to prepare himself for what was to come next.

He waited.

He waited.

He waited even longer, and when he was convinced that nothing was going to happen, he started to open his eyes.

Just as he started to open his eyes, he felt a twitching in his nose.

All of a sudden, a huge tape worm popped out of his nostril, and yelled "Hey! Where's my lemon cookie?"

Before the dude could do anything, the doctor whipped out the baseball bat and kmocked the worm out of the dude's nose.

From that point on, the dude has been fine.